Three things plus one more thing

1. I phoned Rupert, he wasn't home. Does this count as discharging my duty?
2. If I hear the word performitive/performative one more time I am going to vomit then twirl then die.
3. God bless the makers of silicon.

One more thing.
I am meeting up with Gemma of Gempires fame tomorrow afternoon. I am very excited, I feel like Anne of Green Gables. I hope she likes my hair.

Results are in

Oh no. Looks I've got a phone call to make

Record myself then listen back, improve, repeat etc.		7.69%
Phone a phone sex service and ask the helpful phone sex worker.		.69%7
Phone random numbers and ask the person who answers.		30.77%
Phone Rupert and practice practice practice.		30.77%
Suggestions?		23.08%
No Response		0.00%

The suggestions were.
1. Write a script.
2. Just have a wank.
3. All of the above.

and also

mckinley said...

my advice re: phone sex - too long to put in the suffestions box of the poll
Don't call up a phone sex line! Because that is not real sex. It is bored woman paid to simulate sex. And the sex she is simulating is completely one-way, all about the man, and her pretending she wants whatever he wants. That's no fun. Good sex involves both people getting what they want. DOn't call up strangers because a) somebody's wife might think their husband is having an affair and b) you might accidentally call someone scary, and dangerous, someone with call ID (I have it on my landline) who might turn stalk-y. My advice (especially as you are presumably not going to be doing this during your man-free month, is to masturbate and imagine you are having perfect phone sex, so you get used to the idea, and you can figure out what you want. Also, you are a writer, yes? Can you write sex scenes? Cause talking is just writing said out loud. Maybe if you think of it like that it will be easier?

and

Anonymous said...

there are a couple of phone chat lines - telecafe is one, lavalife is another - which offer their service to female callers at the price of a local call (men pay through the nose, natch). try one of these. you can talk to as many men as you like - with complete anonymity - and most of them are either actively looking for, or would be delighted by the suggestion of, phone sex.

admittedly there are lots of thickheads on there, but it's still a fun, risk-free way to get your rocks off and practice talking to strange men about rumpo.

- venn d

Thanks for all the advice. I'm a bit surprised there was so much of it. I would like point out that I am not a maniac and firmly believe that all sex, including phone sex should involve people who have given express consent so I will not be phoning random strangers. I included that option as a joke, not expecting that people would choose that option. Sorry to disappoint but I will not be turning into a weird stalker of random people. I will attempt to phone Rupert this evening and discuss the poll results however he is a very busy and important man and I may not be able to catch him at home. Final results of this experiment may have to wait until August due to the July Man Embargo.

Practice makes perfect

If a person, I'm not saying who, needs to practice having phone sex how should they go about it?
Click on this link to cast your vote.

Oh Rupert! You've gone and popped my phone sex cherry

Now this may come as a bit of a shock but the Slamma got slammed, metaphorically speaking.
What happened? One moment harmless chitter chatter and talk of household pets the very next I was in a definite state of disarray and having phone sex with Rupert.

It was Rupert's idea and I thought why the hell not? Until he asked me what I was wearing and I said Eeyore pyjamas and started laughing. Rupert, being slightly more experienced with this type of thing, was able to admirably rescue the situation and what ensued was far from unpleasant. I will confess that I was less than bold and when Rupert quite firmly took charge I didn't mind at all. In fact it was probably best all round really, considering. Considering I was slightly bewildered and not a little befuddled.

Rupert is of the opinion that this an experiment worth repeating so I give you the Great Phlog Experiment of 2007 Part I, in fast forward minimal detail form. I'm afraid a blow by blow description is beyond my powers, this time. After we had established that we would indeed engage in phone sex and gotten over the hurdle of my Eeyore pyjamas. Oh, now I suddenly find myself unable to continue. The best idea might be to go off and close and your eyes and imagine... but it might be good to note that my fingers look inexplicably sausagey in this photo, they don't normally look like that, not sausagey at all.